Sunday, June 18, 2006

Tired thoughts.

I have been though another reflective period, agonizing over macro issues, reading abstract political theory and depleting my tiny "cellar".

I have been working non-stop for a while, and while work is definitive instrument of reaching your objective in life, it is not sufficient by itself. The more I work, the more I feel something is missing, whether it is intellectual fulfillment, more permanent companionship, less whimiscal friendships, the ability to wear my identity on my sleeve, and the search for the perfect pants to cover my ever expanding "back area".

Some friends have left this country for good, and more are leaving in the next 30 days, and with them goes lots of hopes and emotions, I just said goodbye to a Lone Star State native, so goodbye Mitchy-Lee, our loss is Austin's gain.

I have been doing some wandering lately, physically and mentaly, in quite despicable territory, yet I chose to wade into the swamps for some unknown higher reason. The search for intelligent life continue.

The near prospect of "losing" a sibling to matrimony also brought home to me my distance from my family, physical and otherwise, and I cannot say that the exile is involuntary, it is definitely by choice, and a well thought one. Yet I ponder whether shaking off all the expectations and burden of the first born son was done in too harsh a way, whether by carving out my independent zone I dug a gulf of estrangement, way more question than answers. I have no regrets, but no satisfaction either.

attachment, or the lack of it figures large in my mind, upon taking on my current job, I took a decision to withdraw from the "scene' and not to pursue anything half-way serious until I reach a stable point in my job when I can give proper time and attention. The downside is, I am less and less satisfied with non-serious encounters, which leaves a bitter aftertaste most of the time.
Another question to chew on.


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